


Avenger: An Inside Journal

by Caiti (Caitriona_3)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Diary/Journal, Mood Board, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29564340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitriona_3/pseuds/Caiti
Summary: She knew how she ended up running with a vigilante crowd - it's all down to her best friend.  But when the government hems and haws over what to do - and hamstrings the forces that could actually accomplish something - thensomeonehas to step up.Darcy Jean Lewis - Crime Fighting AvengerIt'll look great on the tombstone.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton/Darcy Lewis/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 87
Kudos: 53
Collections: BBB Special Events, Darcy Lewis Bingo, Winterhawk Bingo Round Two





	1. Journal Cover

**Author's Note:**

> Note tags! Diary/Journal style
> 
> This idea came out of me having an insane end of year at work, COVID in early January, and trying to catch up from missing almost three weeks of work, THEN looking at all these bingos I signed up for and trying to think of a way to catch up on some of this as well. (I've got one or two ending soon.) (Also, sometimes I love my job - anyone who tests positive for COVID gets up to an additional 80 hours of sick time, so the illness made almost no impact on my 2021 days.) Tags & collections will be updated as new chapters take out new squares of various bingos. 
> 
> Aiming for one mood board and around 500 words per chapter. I'm hoping this doesn't come out total crack, but if it does?? Oh, well! Hopefully it will make someone smile.

[ ](https://imgur.com/MbbUv5h)

_“Keep a notebook. Travel with it, eat with it, sleep with it. Slap into it every stray thought that flutters up into your brain.”_   
_~ Jack London_


	2. Joining the Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight begins . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aiming for one entry a day until done.
> 
> Darcy Lewis Bingo - R3 - Free Space

[ ](https://imgur.com/noBnyKs)

_“War is not ‘the best way of settling differences;’ it is the only way of preventing their being settled for you.”_  
_~ G.K. Chesterton_

Good thing I don’t actually go to therapy. I’m pretty sure I’d send the therapist into meeting with their own. Anyone with half a lick of sense – so, you know, none of my people – would be sitting me down to tell me I needed to ask myself some major questions.

Specifically:

What the hell am I doing?  
What was I thinking?  
Have I lost my mind?

Well . . . 

Hell, if I know.  
That best friends helped hide the bodies.  
And yeah, distinctly possible.

I’m seriously tempted to just write a huge, big REDACTED in crimson red marker and consider this done, but that kinda defeats the purpose of keeping a journal. Started out a form of self-therapy, but now I’m thinking this thing’s going to end up becoming a record. Because nobody else is going to record the reality of half this shit. Conspiracy theorists will go nuts over it. Who knows what the media will say? 

Somehow I’ve become a vigilante, an avenger.

Had to think for a long minute before I wrote that down. 

(And okay, how stupid would it be to write this down where somebody might see it? Hence, no computer copies and don’t even ask how many different languages and cyphers I’m using. No one deciphers my stuff. Even Natasha complimented me! So there!) 

When criminals decide they want to take over, you expect the government, the army, or someone in charge to handle the situation. You don’t expect to plant yourself right in the middle of the chaos. But me? Somehow I find myself mixed up in it. While the government dithered and tied the police departments and armed forces up in red tape, it came down to a handful of people. People who decided to take a stand. And my best friend proved to be one of them. Her man’s little brother turned out to be one of the bad guys, so Thor felt he had to be part of the solution. That meant Jane intended to join the fight. I go where she goes – even when I think she’s nuts!

So, I’ve dusted off my hacking and mechanical skills and got down to work.

Darcy Jean Lewis, Crime-fighting Avenger.

It’ll look great on my tombstone.


	3. Darcy's Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, Darcy didn't end up with the team she thought she would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bingos in this one:
> 
> Winterhawk - I4 - "Aw, (blank), no"  
> Darcy Lewis - R4 - Typical

[ ](https://imgur.com/CGiP6kv)

_“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts._  
_Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me…Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”_  
_~ Shel Silverstein_

You know, I figured I’d be working with Thor and Jane in this little mission of ours. Seems logical, right? Yeah, well, apparently logic and avengers don’t always go hand-in-hand. If I didn’t know better, I’d start wondering if they’d made some kind of timeshare deal with me. Because I am the sidekick, the funny chick, the ‘what the hell is she doing with them’ one – totally, totally typical for me.

And now, I can hear Clint in my head – “Aw, Darce, no.”

Clint Barton – who all the commentators have dubbed ‘Hawkeye’ – came first. Of the team, I mean. He showed up with Thor one day, all crooked smile and eye crinkles, bringing an offering of coffee and a request for help. “Thor says you’re the queen of computers.” Which was sweet, really, though I think Skye outranks me on the hacking scale. Still, I’m no slouch – and I’ve learned since that Clint’s got a stumbling block in working with Skye’s team leader.

Still not clear how we ended up with so many teams in this loose network of ours, but whatever.

So, I helped him out with tracking down the scumbag of the week. Then suddenly he started dropping in a lot. A few more times helping him, and he started bringing friends with him. Maybe friends? Maybe more? Because they do have that kind of connection vibe.

Natasha Romanoff – the so-called ‘Black Widow’ – which okay, I can almost see as she’s almost inhumanly patient and uses seduction just as easily as a gun. Scared the hell out of me the first day; I turned around and boom! There she stands, like three inches away. Cue scream, jump back, and a bruised ass when I landed on it. At which point I got to hear Clint’s trademark (seriously, I have the paperwork ready for whenever we get to filter back into everyday society) phrase for the first time as he ran into check on me. “Aw, Nat, no, I told you not to scare her!”

I’d have protested the idea of being scared if I hadn’t been trying to get my breath back. 

They made a great partnership, but somehow I ended up more in their circle than Jane’s. I even ended up going on the road with them. Jane and I might have considered protesting, but they needed me and Jane didn’t. (We’re still best friends and I will totally screw someone’s life up if they mess with my girl.) That brought me face-to-face with James Barnes, a.k.a. the Winter Soldier. (At least none of these names are dumb, but I hope the tabloids never try giving me one.) Former Army with the prosthetic arm to prove it – as well as the thousand-yard-stare that’s been known to freeze bad guys on sight.

And because it's just my luck? I'm pretty sure the three of them are a Thing. I mean, it's really, really hard to tell because they're the sneakiest people I've ever met, but it's in the little things. An exchange of looks. The brush of fingertips. Watching them do the most innocent of things makes me feel a little voyeuristic and I have to bury my nose in a book or my laptop. How did I end up surrounded by so much pretty and sexy? They push all my damn buttons.

So typical to end up surrounded by all the yummy that I can’t touch.


	4. On the Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy's thoughts on the team on the job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bingos:
> 
> BB Flash Bingo - Card 7 - Square 2 - Picture of Winter Soldier  
> Darcy Lewis Bingo - C2 - Van  
> Black Widow Bingo - O4 - "Please never let him do first aid on me if I get hurt."

[ ](https://imgur.com/hc7yWoj)

_“I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it.”_   
_~ G.K. Chesterton_

Okay, so, if you ever want to become a vital part of a vigilante team in the future, I recommend you hang out with the tech-geeks, computer-nerds, and shop class. Or I would – if I intended to make this thing public. Maybe someday in the future. The very, very, very distant future. Like published posthumously. Because if this gets published while any of us are still breathing, I’m pretty sure we’ll end up in jail.

And that orange jumpsuit thing is not my style.

But yeah – become the tech and computer expert who drives like maniac and you just might have a future with the world of avenging vigilantes. 

Today’s job meant Tasha seducing the bad guy and taking him out while Clint and James kept the minions busy. My part meant hacking the guy’s security system so they could get the layout of the house and then keeping the team connected via comms throughout the mission. A girl could get a complex listening to all the sheer competency and innuendo. All that sexy. 

Oh, right, and I’m the driver – so I did my work in the van, ready to hustle our asses out of there as soon as the big bad went down.

I’m ridiculously grateful for the technology that lets me keep an eye on everyone. If I could only hear what was going on? I’d wear myself down imagining the worst on every single job. At least this way, I’ve got an eye on them and can start planning for what to do when we get somewhere safe. Watching them get fight and get hurt isn’t a picnic, but at least I know.

Now, we’re all tucked back at home – or headquarters, since it changes a lot \- and I have to wonder - - 

Why is it Clint that always ends up with the scrapes and bruises and breaks?

Better question - how does he keep ending up with all the injuries? He’s the sniper and usually supposed to be outside of the insanity. I mean, other than me, he should be the least likely to get hurt. Tasha’s almost always on the inside and James is in that weird in-between area between center and edge. So why aren’t they getting hurt as much?

God, that sounds bad. It’s not that I want them to get hurt. It would just make more sense.

Granted, he sure seems used to that kind of mess. Unless it’s broken, he just sort of slaps a band-aid on it and keeps going. Actually, he’s been known to keep going when something was broken too. Led Natasha to hissing in annoyance before turning to me and making me promise I wouldn’t ever let him handle her first aid. James usually handles the medic stuff, but he’s been training me in it.

Sad part is, I get plenty of practice.


	5. Sunset Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy notices a change in the group dynamics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bingos:
> 
> Marvel Fluff - N1 - Watching the sunset  
> Black Widow - N4 - "Please hold me. It's been a day."  
> BBB Flash - Card 7 - Square 3 - Leather

[ ](https://imgur.com/Srxu1LI)

_“To love at all is to be vulnerable.”_   
_~ C.S. Lewis_

Some days fricking suck and our last job definitely qualified.

Oh, we did the job. We got the bad guy. He’s no longer going to be walking around doing his bad guy thing, but damn I hate the cost. So many innocents got hurt by the bastard. The look in their eyes. So much pain and hurt and haunted shadows. They’ll never be the same. Yeah, they’ll plaster over the cracks, glue together the pieces, but they’ll never…

God, I can still taste the smell of that place, like leather being tanned over a flame.

NO. No, not right now.

I can’t talk about it right now. 

If ever. 

And it wasn’t just me. 

The others had trouble too. Clint and James have both had the thousand-yard-stare thing going on. Natasha’s been an ice queen all afternoon. All of them have been sticking close together, some part of them in contact with the others. It’s one of the ways they get past a bad one. Natasha dances, Clint climbs every building in the neighborhood, and James sharpens all the knives – but first and foremost, they touch. 

They’ve started to include me in that.

It’s odd, but also kind of comforting. Like it’s an acceptance – something that means I’m one of them, part of them. Not that it should be surprising. I mean, they’ve been calling me one of theirs for weeks, but it means more for them to touch. Words don’t mean a lot to them. It’s all in the action.

We left the area – time to let the excitement die down. I’m not sure who came up with the idea of the beach, but off we went. I was expecting sun, sand, and surf. Not exactly what I got. Best one out of three? We went a lot more north than I expected, so instead of swimsuits, we’re in sweaters and leather jackets, staring out over the beauty of the sunset and twilight waters. We traded off on who sat where and comforted whom at any given point.

That’s when I realized they’d started to include me in on this part. 

I ended up slumped against Clint during the cloudy afternoon while James and Natasha went to sit out on one of the docks. Later, the guys decided to take a walk down the beach as the sun came out in time to set and Natasha let herself drop beside me, curling into my side. It was probably the first time she ever showed that much weakness in front of me. Sure, I’d see a crack now and again, but she’d never broken down so far. When the guys got back, instead of pulling away, she just held on – and they bracketed us. Standing guard, shielding us – neither of them seemed to find anything weird or unexpected.

Now I’m going back over the past couple of weeks in my mind, trying to think and note how often they’ve included me in the private little moments. Hovering, protecting, including me in decision-making - and all the little teasing jokes and quick smiles.

And the touching, the brushes of hands or arms.

Am I reading too much into this?


	6. All the Strays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People are bringing home strays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bingos:
> 
> BBB Flash - Card 3 - Square 3 - Alpine  
> Winterhawk - O1 - Adopting all the strays  
> Natasha - N5 - "Are you seriously afraid of being in the car with me?"

[ ](https://imgur.com/QFrcrWa)

_“A family is a risky venture, because the greater the love, the greater the loss… That’s the trade-off. But I’ll take it all.”_  
_~ Brad Pitt_

We’re going to have to break down and buy an RV or bus or something. Motels and cabins – and some safe houses that I don’t ask about – are only going to carry us so far. They make for close quarters, which I’m not going to complain about at all. Not with all that gorgeous right at hand. Sure, it means my fingers itch to touch, but I’m actually beginning to get that they’ve been opening up to me. Not just as individuals – that I got forever ago – but as a group, as a unit.

Which means I’m allowed to reach out, to make that connection. I’m still feeling my way through it though, and they’re letting me set the pace. I think they find it cute.

But yeah, live space. We need something a little more permanent.

Especially now that people are bringing home strays.

First Clint started sharing his pizza with a golden retriever somewhere in the city. Said dog – not being dumb enough to turn down free meals – followed him around town and then followed him home. So, I ended up with a companion in the van as we handle our jobs. And let’s not mention the teenager who’s started blogging about Clint and taking up archery. I keep expecting to find her showing up on the doorstep.

Hmm – I hope I didn’t just jinx us.

When we went through Ithaca on our way to Buffalo, James picked up a tail of his own. In the space of a few days, a white cat began trailing after him. The stubborn feline began sleeping on top of the van – or under it. James brought him in when a thunderstorm decided to blow through. And the cat never left. He got the name Alpine – and we made a new rule.

James isn’t in charge of naming anything anymore.

So, yeah, strays.

Not that Natasha’s brought home a stray – well, not exactly. She didn’t bring him home, but she’s agreed to help train a new guy to the teams. We’re going to meet him in a few weeks when we go to DC to meet up with Steve and Peggy.

The guy’s name is Sam Wilson – and he’s going to be Steve’s wingman on jobs. 

She met him when she went to help Peggy with some job or another while the guys showed me around Niagara Falls. Apparently he got an up close and personal view of why I’m the designated driver. It’s not that no one else can drive – it’s just that they treat the city streets like NASCAR when they’re in work mode. Sometimes it takes a little while to get used to that sort of crazy. I kind of feel sorry for Sam. The guy’s getting to deal with Steve’s recklessness and Peggy’s stubbornness already. He’s facing Natasha’s perfectionist expectations. Now we’re going to show up and he can get Clint’s sneakiness, James’ silent judgement, and my all-around-awesomeness.

Note to self – make a big welcome to the family sign. 

It’ll be sweet. Mostly funny, but still kind of sweet.


	7. Getting in Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy muses on getting herself into trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bingos:
> 
> BBB Flash - Card 3 - Square 2 - Found Family  
> Darcy Lewis - Y4 - Animal Rescue  
> Black Widow - B3 - Clint Barton  
> Marvel Fluff - G3 - Helping others

[ ](https://imgur.com/0gtx42U)

_But even with the inspiration of others, it's understandable that we sometimes think the world's problems are so big that we can do little to help._  
_On our own, we cannot end wars or wipe out injustice, but the cumulative impact of thousands of small acts of goodness can be bigger than we imagine._  
_~ Queen Elizabeth II_

So, I managed to piss off everyone today.

Not really my goal. I’ve taken a few more steps down that intimate road and I’m almost certain we’re going to be a Thing – a real Thing. Pissing them off is way down on my to-do list. But I guess sometimes shit happens, right? We had a job in one of the suburbs and everything clicked along like usual until something blew up. Not that explosions are anything new for us; they’re actually kind of common. But this time, the explosion went off near an animal shelter. 

I’m supposed to stay in the van. That’s the plan – I handle the communications and computers as well as being ready to drive everyone out of the area if we need to leave in a hurry. What I do is important, I know and admit that, but mostly I think their plan is to keep me safe. And I don’t have an argument with that, not really. Personally I don’t like bleeding. 

But an animal shelter?

No, I couldn’t sit still and stay in the van. 

The explosion didn’t do any damage to the shelter’s structure, but the fire began spreading. I couldn’t sit there and watch as those animals were trapped inside. So out of the van I hopped and headed for the place. Several of the workers hurried to get the dogs and cats into carriers so they could get them out of the building. They had a van ready to haul them away if they could get them loaded.

And the entire time, I’m getting commentary in my ear. 

Well, to be fair, they stopped once they saw where I went, but when I first got out of the van?? Oh, boy.

Clint raised the red flag by demanding to know what I was doing. I didn’t exactly have the breath to answer – something like terror created a knot in my throat. Running towards the fight and the fire didn’t exactly fill me with glee. He was muttering all kinds of dire warnings under his breath.

Then James told me to get my cute little ass back in the van. How does he manage to make an order sound both exasperated and a compliment? Granted, more exasperation at that particular moment, but point – and question – stands. Of course, then told me how much trouble I’d be in when we finished. I’d be more worried, but his style of punishment doesn’t exactly turn me off.

Ahem – not the point right now.

Natasha, on the other hand – now she can scare me. 

Not that she’d hurt me, but she could make me regret my life choices for weeks. Her idea of punishment centers on training – working out, running, etc. Yikes. And no, she wasn’t any more impressed to see me running out of the van either. 

They did acknowledge my help though, rescuing the animals – and workers – from the shelter. 

While bandaging up my minor hurts, Clint gave me his crooked smile and assured me he’d distract Natasha. She was standing behind him and rolled her eyes, but the little smile she saves just for me meant she’d let him get away with it. James brought me a whiskey, dropped a kiss on top of my head, and told me I was still in trouble.

Which should not have sounded as promising as it did.


	8. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy's finally accepted her place in the quartet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bingos:
> 
> BBB Flash - Card 3 - Square 1 - Memories  
> Darcy Lewis - Y5 - Drunk Kiss  
> Winterhawk - G1 - Bed Sharing  
> Black Widow - G4 - “Speaking of blessings, how are you today?”

[ ](https://imgur.com/8hvGfP2)

_Memory is the treasure of the mind._  
_~ English Proverb_

“Speaking of blessings, how are you today?”

That’s the question Natasha greeted me with this morning, a teasing smile on her lips. Which, yes, brought a dark flush to my cheeks, but also a grin. Because last night? Oooh, boy. I’m going to lock the memories into a pretty little box in my mind for me to pull out and relive as often as possible. 

And add more to it as soon as possible.

The guys were a little more hesitant, circumspect, but that’s probably because I was tipsy last night. Tipsy, not drunk. I’m not an idiot and I know my limits. I’m not getting good and drunk until we’re in a safe house because you never know when the bad guys might be hanging out. And I can do my computer stuff even when I’m swaying in happy tipsiness. 

So, yeah, tipsy and not drunk. 

Which means I knew exactly what I was doing when I laid that kiss on James last night. 

Not our first kiss, but the first one with every intention of pursuing an intention of spending the full night with them. We’d been playing around the edges of that kind of intimacy. Or rather, I’d been playing – they’d been downright serious. On the other hand, they’ve been great about letting me set the pace. It’s hard to be the one coming into a settled relationship. All the doubts and insecurities about where and how do I fit??

But they’ve included me in everything – from day-to-day plans to figuring out jobs to dealing with the fallout. 

Clint sometimes comes to find me and sit on the nearest roof – building, van, or whatever – and stare up at the stars. (Something I totally picked up from Jane.) He just wants someone to hold, someone to curl around as he tries to let go of the day. Other times he goes and spars with Tasha when they’ve both got too much energy under their skin.

Now, Tasha doesn’t necessarily want to cuddle. Yeah, sometimes, but she goes to James for that. With me, she wants to do girl stuff – manicures, messing with each other’s hair, facials. If she wants something quiet, then we’ll put on a romantic comedy, pour some red wine, and hold hands.

It took longer to find something I could share with James. He’s the most self-contained of all of them. If he opened up to anyone, it was Clint. They could disappear for hours together. Talking wasn’t all they did, but clearly they did that as well. With me though, he walked in one day to find me staring at our limited groceries and trying to figure out what the heck I could make with it. Since then, he would spend time with me in the kitchen, doing our best to take care of everyone.

Last night I decided enough was enough. A little liquid courage and I planted that kiss. One kiss became two. Two kisses became more as we pulled Clint and Natasha into the embrace. Kisses became touches and it turned into a night I’m going to hold close forever.

And those memories sparked my answer to Natasha’s question: “Pretty damn good, thanks!”


	9. A Happy Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy's happy as can be despite the early hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the end of this little thing!! Hope it made you smile.
> 
> Bingos:
> 
> Darcy Lewis - D1 - Pop-Tarts  
> Black Widow - G1 - Happy Ending  
> Marvel Fluff - B4 - Early Morning

[ ](https://imgur.com/r9v9XDm)

_“I am the happiest creature in the world._   
_Perhaps other people have said so before, but not one with such justice._   
_I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh.”_  
 _~ Elizabeth Darcy, Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen_

We’re going to buy a house!

Okay, let me restate – we’re going to buy a safe house. It’s not somewhere we’ll live full time, but it’s somewhere we can retreat to when we need a break. Or when things are getting too hot. And yeah, I know we’ve got safe houses, but it’s not the same. The place with that awesome view? Clint’s safe house. Then there was the one that’s built into the mountainside, complete with an escape tunnel. James’. Natasha’s? It’s a townhouse in a gorgeous city with this killer bathtub.

But the new place is going to be ours. We’re all putting in ideas for things we want or hope to have. Some of the stuff is dream spinning – like a dance studio, archery range, and all kinds of things, but why not?? James wants to set it up with all the bells and whistles so it can be more than just a safe house. It will be a real home for the future. 

He’s promised me it’ll be wired top to bottom for my computer geeky self.

Plus one of my dream things will be in there. I get the kitchen of my fantasies. 

I’m ridiculously happy and giddy over this whole thing! it means we’re all talking long term and permanent. There’s still going to be all kinds of trouble between now and the real home of the future, but we’re making PLANS. Caps totally needed!! I’m making future plans with the three people I love. 

Yes, I said it. Well, wrote it. But I said it to them last night too. 

More than once actually, but it took a while before I could say it the second time. They were very happy to hear it and stole my breath with their reactions. Literally. Even if they hadn’t, it would have taken time because they each wanted to say the words too. Last night – you know, I don’t think I could even come up with words to explain last night. If I could capture those memories in a crystal to pull out. Wow!

I should really still be snuggled up with them, all warm and loose and safe. But for some reason my brain decided I needed to be up and getting this down on paper while it was fresh. So coffee and Pop-Tarts it is. 

Chocolate, cherry, and caffeine – a winning combination!

Short entry today, but I’m going to make breakfast for everyone. I think they deserve a treat. We’ve got everything for me to do a full Irish. Something I don’t do very often because it’s a lot of food. James can tuck it away though and I don’t know where Clint puts it. Between all four of us, we’ll have most of it eaten. Whatever’s left can be snacked on.

Oh, and maybe some Irish mocha brownies for later!


End file.
